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Police descend on Perth school

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A team consisting of forensic experts, sniffer dogs and police divers has been sent to Forteviot Primary School following reports that 5 pupils have gone missing without trace.

The authorities were alerted when the parent of the only pupil currently attending the ‘20th Century State-of-the-Art Centre of Excellence’ informed friends and neighbours that her child was the only one in the provision despite being told that by Elaine Weston of the education department in January that, “six parents have already signed-up”.

Police officers are now conducting a finger-tip search of the school premises in the hope that the missing pupils may be safe and well but have been hampered by, “shed-loads of dinosaur toys and Star Trek dvds” placed in the school because, “that is what kids with autism like”. Educational psychologist, Susie Trunner is an expert on autism having watched ‘Rainman’ on no less that 3 occasions, explained that the ‘cutting-edge’ provision was established to meet the needs of pupils displaced by the closure of The New School, Butterstone and was financed by £150,000 of government money with additional investment from the local authority to refurbish the moth-balled primary school. “It’s the only one of its kind in the country, she stated, and if successful will be rolled-out across the authority at an additional annual cost of only £7.5 bn, or about £375,000 for each pupil with additional support needs.

When asked how these new services would be funded at a time of austerity and funding cuts, she explained that, “we are having a cake sale next month and Dorothy is talking of doing a sponsored bungey jump”. Apparently large sums have already been pledged by former TNS parents on condition that she opts not to use a rope.

Local resident Gloria Stapleforth spoke of her horror at events unfolding on her doorstep and questioned why it had taken the authorities so long to act. “We all knew that something was going on because the 10 members of staff working at the school were clearly stressed at having to choose between 300 and 500 piece jigsaw puzzles, and were often seen staring mournfully out of the windows”.

Police have refused to comment on reports that the missing pupils may have been sold to modern slave gangs or trafficked overseas but have confirmed that all other TNS pupils have been tracked down using sophisticated surveillance methods (telephone) by their expert missing persons team (Julie in admin).

Director of Education, Sheena Devine, applauded the, “outstanding success of the new provision” and urged worried parents to focus on the positives rather than the potential loss of 5 pupils. She stated that, “this shows just what the authority can do when given wads of public cash and no accountabliity, and if we lose a few pupils on our ‘learning journey’, that is a price worth paying to get Swinney off our backs.”

Update

Police have now confirmed that all missing pupils have now been located. It appears that they have been sitting at home for the last 5 months, “waiting for PKC to get its act together”.

Bill Colley