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Outcry over comments

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There has been a furious reaction to claims made by former TNS staff that the care inspectors who caused the closure of the school were, “as thick as mince”.

Hector Bromsgrove of the Scottish Beef Federation slammed the comments as, “hugely insensitive and defamatory” to natural meat products and referenced recent research by the University of Spitalfield in which small packets of minced pork and beef outperformed care inspectors across a battery of psychometric tests.

Professor Hubert Barcode who conducted the experiments explained that although the mince was, “not actually connected in any way to a functioning brain”, it tended to be, “more logical in its thought processing and displayed levels of empathy towards human beings that were absent in the sample of care inspectors”.

Mr Bromsgrove claimed that had the packets of mince been deployed to TNS over he last few months, false concerns raised by a disgruntled member of staff would have been dealt with intelligently and would not have led to the closure of the school and the huge human cost incurred as a result. “In my experience, mince, especially the organic low-fat variety, tends to avoid issuing improvement notices on spurious grounds and especially when there is no evidence of any failings”.

Senior officers at the Care Inspectorate were equally incensed. “It is absolutely scandalous that the skills and talents of our members should be disparaged in this way. It was only two weeks ago that one of our members submitted a paper to the British Philosophy Society in which, after several centuries of research by the likes of Plato, Wittgenstein, Bertrand Russell and others, finally demonstrates that it is possible to prove a negative. i.e. that something did not happen”.

When contacted, a representative of the BPS agreed that he had received a manuscript written in wax crayon on Peppa Pig notepaper in which a Sandra Ride of the Care Inspectorate had argued that the burden of proof of a non-occurrence lay in closing one’s eyes, placing index fingers in each ear and stating loudly, “I said it didn’t happen so it didn’t, unless the Witherslack Group say otherwise”. She goes on to state that, “evidence is over-rated and not something that we at the Care Inspectorate do”, and then requests that she be awarded the, “Nobble Prize” for her efforts.

He declined to comment on whether or not the paper would be published but indicated that steps had been taken to ensure that Ms Ride was not a danger to herself or others.

The Care Inspectorate have also denied that they were in any way involved in the suspension of the Head or the extended suspension of two members of staff cleared of wrongdoing at the time of closure. A spokesman stated, “We did not insist on any suspensions, were not present in the school at any time, and do not actually exist as an organisation. You can’t prove otherwise. Just ask Bertrand Russell.”

Other News

Huge cost savings have been announced at Perth & Kinross Council after senior officers removed all defibrillators from Education & Children’s Services and sold them on Gumtree.

Head of Secondary & Inclusion Rodger Hull who has been credited with the innovative strategy explained that such technology only works if the recipient has a fully functioning cardio-vascular system. “I realised during the final week of term at TNS when PKC were present and making key decisions, that none of my officers cared in any way about the welfare of the children at the school and, by comparison, make Star Trek’s Mr Spock look like an adolescent with bipolar disorder. It was clear that they had no hearts that were worthy of revival so we just placed a few ads on-line and raised a bit of cash for our Christmas night-out”.

Mr Hull with one of his inclusion officers

Mr Hull with one of his inclusion officers

Elsewhere

Police hunting the whereabouts of the former Chairman of Governors at TNS, Sir Andrew Cubie who has not been seen for the last 6 months, have issued a photofit image of a bowl of custard requesting that if anyone sights Mr Cubie that they contact the authorities. They reassured the public by stating that, “Mr Cubie poses no danger to anyone, least of all to those bent on destroying professional reputations, a school community, or the mental health and welfare of children”.

Bill Colley