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Witherslack recommended training

Witherslack were asked to conduct a second investigation into the concern raised by a disruntled member of staff in October 2018 '“that any physical contact between staff and pupils might be misconstrued by others”. Following the initial investigation, the Care Inspectorate issued an improvement notice, demanded the suspension of the Head, and effectively forced the closure of the school.

Witherslack reached the same conclusion as the first (police-led) investigation) that no wrongdoing had occurred, that the events mentioned had not taken place, and that there were no child protection concerns.

However, despite this, Mary Aurens of Witherslack recommended that the two staff members undertake training in, “how not to have a false allegation made about you”.

This implied that they were in some way responsibile for the malicious complaint made against them.

Further news

JFK ‘not guilty’ of his own assassination

After extensive research, Mary Aurens of Witherslack has concluded that the President of the United States of America was “probably not guilty” of killing himself in November 1963 but recommended that he should undertake training in, “how not to receive a fatal bullet wound to the back of his head whilst riding around Dallas in an open-top car”.

Dinosaurs “probably not responsible for own extinction”

A Witherslack report has cleared the dinosaurs of complicity in their own mass extinction but recommended they they receive training in, “how to avoid inter-galactic meteorite collisions in order to avoid any future recurrence”. “Without this”, said the author, “the current dinosaur population is at risk”.

TNS staff applaud training

2 TNS staff members who have undertaken training in “how not to have a false allegation made about them” have spoken of the huge boost this has given them in their work in the education and care sectors. “We now know that the best way of avoiding such complaints is to laugh at your colleague’s weak jokes, never speak to anyone while at work, avoid all social interaction, and to not get out of bed in the morning to go to work.”. “It has set us up for the future”, they agreed.

Bill Colley