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Scotland reach European finals


After a series of disappointments on the world stage, a Scottish team consisting of The Care Inspectorate, Education Scotland and Perth & Kinross Council has made it through to the finals of the Most Conspicuously Corrupt Nation in Europe Competition.

Scotland came from behind to defeat Kazakhstan after extra time in their play-off match last night following a late goal which shocked the favourites.

It was a training-ground move which caught the Kazakhstanis completely off-guard after they had earlier equalised through a conventional, “we torture confessions out of prisoners” manoeuvre. The Scottish team hit back with only seconds on the clock as the game looked as if it was heading for penalties with a, “we close down special schools and label innocent staff as criminals”.

It was a flowing move involving all members of the team and was setup with an inch-perfect cross-field pass and a tap-in by the Care Inspectorate after an exquisite one-two between PKC and the education inspectors as they cleared their defensive lines.

Earlier in the match Scotland had taken a surprise lead against the run of play when PKC player Rodger Hull had stopped the match and made a number of false accusations against the Kazakh team which resulted in 2 sendings off and three on-pitch executions. Despite or possibly because of this loss, Kazakhstan rallied strongly as the half progressed and finally broke through the Scot’s defence with a curling, “we do not hold fair elections” which seemed to be taking them though until that final late strike.

Even then the game could have been lost when the Kazakhstanis hit the post in the dying seconds following a late counter-attacking, “we lock-up opposition leaders”, but Scotland held firm and might even have had the final say when they forced a fine save with, “we don’t use evidence to convict loyal professionals of crimes they haven’t committed”.

Kazakhstani coach Gktwdcb Hyklwbjjx said after the game, “You have to hand it to the Scots. We did not expect that level of cronyism and blatant dishonesty. Just making stuff up, closing the school and then denying you ever said it, that is pure genius. I am proud of our boys and we will take a lot from this game, but they couldn’t compete with the Scots. They were world class.”

The Scotland Coach, Nick Sturgeon, who has been credited with developing the style of play now known as ‘Total Corruption’ admitted that it was a game that could have gone either way. “It was nip and tuck for a while. They came at us with a bit of ‘police brutality’ and ‘suppression of free speech’ which we could not compete with, but in the second half our midfield took control with their ‘we have no effective opposition’ and ‘there’s a lack of regulatory oversight’ to ensure that we were always in a position to launch that final attack.”

The judging panel commended the Scots for “working together as a team to destroy a school community on the pretext of no more than a spurious complaint” – something that is bound to have the world champions Zimbabwe quaking in their boots. They went on to say that, “it is rare for so much harm to be caused to so many people on the basis of something that clearly did not happen, and for that to work, you need organisations not only working together, but doing so with zero integrity or moral direction”.

It was not all plain sailing for the Scots and several Kazakhstani players appealed to the referee during the game for what they said was blatant time-wasting. Star striker Gxxzxzxz Bgfgftr said after the game, “they just parked the bus with unbelievable levels of tokenism and distraction. We just couldn’t get through the waffle and they redacted everything, even the team sheet and half-time menu”.

Competition officials have said that they will investigate any complaints thoroughly before putting them in the bin and ignoring them.

Scotland now go through to the finals in Riga where they will be drawn in a group with Kosovo, Armenia and Azerbaijan.


Riot police (Samantha and Dave from Blairgowrie police station) were called in last night to quell disturbances as rival fans clashed in the streets of Spitalfield following Kazakhstan’s shock defeat to Scotland. According to eye-witnesses, gangs of Kazakhi youths rampaged through bars and cafes, turning-over beer mats and setting fire to barbecues as they protested against their narrow defeat to Scotland.

The trouble began when one opposition supporter surrounded the Scotland team bus chanting, “The referee’s an ombudsman”, and “We have habeus corpus but circumvent it by invoking anti-terrorism legislation to perpetuate the incarceration of political prisoners in direct contravention of the UN Charter on the Rights of Prisoners”. Scotland fans then retaliated by hurling epithets and sobriquets at the Kazakhs with at least one Reuters journalist injured by a stray metaphor.

The trouble only subsided when police dogs (Sasha and Clara) were brought in to separate the two groups of supporters and a number were arrested for offences including ‘wearing a loud shirt in a built-up area’ and ‘being caught in possession of an offensive hair-cut’.

Local resident John Swinney MSP demanded that there be an investigation into why public order was allowed to break down on such a scale, “unless, of course, it was my responsibility in which case it was probably due to the Board of Governors of The New School, Butterstone”.

Bill Colley