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Scottish Government announces major reforms to the legal system


The Scottish Government has unveiled major plans to streamline the legal system in order to “bring it into line with 16th century Europe”.

Announcing the new measures in the Scottish Parliament, a government minister explained that “it is currently very difficult for ordinary people to access justice but that still leaves a bit of wriggle room and we need to eliminate that to ensure that the government can carry out its policies such as closing-down indpendent special schools without undue hindrance”.

Amongst the new reforms is the proposal to do away with the traditional concepts of guilt and innocence. “We felt that this was a bit ‘binary’ in the modern era so we will now have what we are calling a ‘spectrum of guilt’ wherby we can accuse anybody of anything and they will be guilty, but to varying degrees. So, for example, if we accuse a school manager of failing to report a child protection concern when it is clear that he or she has not done this, they will be on the ‘spectrum of guilt’ rather than completely innocent as has been the case for the last few hundred years. This will make government much more efficient because we will not have to get our knickers in a twist about wrongful accusations, formal complaints or any legal action against us.”

According to sources close to the government, trial by jury will also be replaced by a new system wherby people accused of an offence will be tied to a ducking stool and submerged into water until they confess to a crime. This will “save a fortune in maintaining courts, paying juror expenses, and the cost of agreeable lunches for sheriffs and judges”.

Having conducted extensive research into the performance of the current legal system, the government has also proposed that the requirement for evidence to be presented when making judgements should be abolished as it, “gets on our tits”. In future, ministers will be able to do or say anything they like without fear of challenge to ensure that major policy can be implemented as speedily as possible.

“We effectively abolished ‘defamation’ a long time ago because we have made it so difficult for any decent person to correct misinformation disseminated against them by the government, so we are just finessing what is already in operation,”

Opposition leaders have raised a storm of protest at the new proposals saying that it is “probably something to get cross about but to be honest we really don’t give a toss so long as we pick up our salaries, but having to answer questions from our constituents about this is curtailing good drinking time and reducing opportunities for molesting office staff”.

The Scottish Government countered these criticisms by arguing that, “What seems to work well in the caliphate controlled by ISIS should work well here. We’re not anti-Muslim you know”.

The proposals have received strong support from the Care Inspectorate which has beeen trialling the scheme for a number of years. Charlotte Wislon, a service manager with the inspectorate endorsed the new approach by stating that having different standards and rights for different people and services was, “definitely the way forward” and that the concept of justice was “outdated and a bit wishy-washy”. “In the modern era, we need to ensure that we have different standards for our friends in local authorities as opposed to those bastards who run independent services and must apply our inspections as inconsistently as possible to destroy the careers of innocent people.”

Bill Colley