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Hottest day of the year

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Records have been broken as the Care Inspectorate revealed that yesterday was the “hottest every recorded”. Senior officials confirmed that members of their school care accommodation inspection team were seen “sweating profusely and squirming at their desks”.

The high temperatures have been blamed on a ‘blast of sudden truth’ emanating from close to the Sahara (i.e. Perth) which has caught corrupt inspectors by surprise.

One team member recovering in hospital said, “I set off for work today to make up a few false allegations against school staff but had to shelter from the heat by switching off my computer and jumping from the seventh floor balcony”.

According to experts, temperatures are likely to rise as new information comes to light and will only subside when the government finally concedes that a full investigation into the TNS scandal has been announced.

The Head of the Care Inspectorate, Fiona Thiswholethingwouldgoaway, recommended that colleagues cool off for a while by jumping into a blast furnace but advised them to keep working to ensure that the whole credibility of the Scottish care system is finally destroyed.

Police hunt suspect

Police Scotland today released a phofit image of the man they want to interview in relation to the massacre of 24 children’s educations.

The Butcher of Butterstone

The Butcher of Butterstone

Warning the public not to approach him, they also revealed that they have employed a forensic psychologist to build-up a profile of the man they suspect was responsible for the November 2018 carnage. Dr May Kitup said,

“Clearly we are dealing with a psychopath who goes around indiscriminately firing off improvement notices at innocent children and professionals without thinking or caring about the consequences of his actions. This man needs to be caught quickly”.

Critics have argued that more must be done to understand mental health before rushing to judgement.

“He probably came from a broken home, was radicalised by the independence movement and ended-up as Education Minsiter. So he is as much a victim as those innocent people who lost their jobs and the kids who have no school to go to”, said Hugh Janus, spokeman for the charity Psychopathic Mass Murderers Have Feelings Too.

Meanwhile, constituency MSP John Swinney pledged his “full unequivocal support for an investigation into the massacre, if it is necessary, which it probably isn’t. If I see this man tonight when I stand in front of the mirror, I will contact the police within the next decade or perhaps a bit longer, depending on how the whole independence thingy goes”

Swinney pledges support

Swinney pledges support

Witherslack blast management at TNS

The Witherslack Group today launched a fierce attack on the managers of TNS after it was revealed that they had been correct in their actions regarding a minor staff concern and had their advice been followed, would have saved the school from closure.

“We were appalled at the way that senior managers ignored the safeguarding of profit margins and failed to report concerns about the conduct of our own staff to oursleves, err, or the Board of Governors, or whoever was supposed to be in charge of the school at the time. Not sure about this really, but they are clearly complete bastards because they cared for the kids more than they did about our company cars, which are Land Rover Discoveries but we are hoping to upgrade to the Range Rover Evoques if we can con more local authorities in thinking that we give a monkey’s cuss about vulnerable kids”.

In response, the Board of Governors stated that, “Goodness, is that the time? Have to be off now. Bit of a shame about the school”.

Amongst a range of allegations, Witherlsack allege that “school managers barbecued children during normal working hours when the SCIS policy clearly states that this should happen only in after school clubs”, and that “the Head of School was an alien being exploiting the presence of the school community to spawn aggressive life forms that would take over the world”.

When asked for a response, Head of School, Bill Colley said, “I don’t even know what the allegations against me are. You’d better speak to the Care Inspectorate or Board of Governors. I might find out one day, when they have finally closed the school down”.

Bill Colley