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Winners of National Diversity Awards announed

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The winners of this year’s National Diversity Awards have just been announced and it has been a triumph for a number of organisations that did so much to support TNS in getting where it is today (i.e. closed).

Award for the organisation promoting inclusion and equality in the workplace

First Prize – The Care Inspectorate

Judging Panel Comments

“We were impressed with the way that the Care Inspectorate have adopted a positive discriminatory approach in employing workers who would in no other workplace be given such high levels of responsibility and power, and in particular people who are unable to read and comprehend written English, demonstrate proportionality, or use logic in their decision-making. It was especially heartening to see that those employees who were clearly incapable of basing critical judgements on any evidence whatsoever, were not prevented from taking on key responsibilities for highly specialised services”

Sandra’s story

“I left school not knowing what I wanted to do, and someone suggested that I apply to become a care Inspector because they didn’t give a gnat’s testicle about experience working in special residential schools or anything like that, and to be frank I wouldn’t have a scoobies about how to measure care or comment on leadership etc. But they made it very easy with their intensive 10 minute training programme and showed me how to switch the laptop on and put numbers into a spreadsheet, and before you know it, I’m driving up and down the country making the lives of experienced care professionals a misery. I love my job and can’t thank them enough”.

Second Prize - Perth & Kinross Council

Judging Panel Comments

“People with significant personality disorders and psychopathic tendencies can often find it difficult to find work, but in the right job, and surrounded by the right people, they can thrive. Perth & Kinross Council has taken an innovative approach by recruiting personnel who really do not care in any way whatsoever about the care and welfare of children and young people, and then grouping them together in what they call their ‘Inclusion Team’. We were impressed by the way that their behaviour was seen by the authority as ‘normal’ and that rather than becoming isolated within the organisation, they were given a prime role in shaping and delivering council policies”.

Genghis’s story

“I had a difficult time at school because of difficulties with spelling, poor short-term memory, and a tendency to have occasional melt-downs and burn teachers alive. I then drifted in and out of dead-end jobs like working behind the counter of Kentucky Fried Children and leading the Mongol Hordes before getting fed up with all the travel and genocide and went on the dole before discovering my true vocation. PKC came and offered me a job and I have not looked back. They took one look at my c.v. and put me in charge of their Nurture Groups. I won an award last year for the way I have improved their customer service system because now when a parent comes in and makes a complaint, I just sweep them under the carpet. The parents that is, once I have reduced them to ash in an incinerator. Before getting this job I thought that maybe I was a bit of a psychopath but having witnessed the cruelty shown by my colleagues during the final week at TNS, I now know that I am closer to Donny Osmond than Attila the Hun.”

Third Prize – The Witherslack Group

Judging Panel Comments

“Over 90% of adults with Chronic Dishonesty Disorder struggle to find meaningful work due largely to their tendency to fabricate things and stab colleagues in the back. Seeing these characteristics as strengths rather than weaknesses allows organisations to develop their full potential as productive citizens, earning shed-loads of cash and supporting other charitable organisations such as executive car dealerships. The Witherslack Group has shown itself to be a pioneer in promoting commercial greed and harnessing the skills of employees who are happy to trample on vulnerable children and their families in order to maximise their profit margins”.

Howard’s story

“I remember my careers teacher saying that I was the most intelligent pupil he had ever come across and comparing me to Einstein and Aristotle. Actually, what he said was, “Compared to Einstein and Aristotle, you are really crap”, but I haven’t let that hold me back. Witherslack have really helped me to develop my creative side which I do when I write safeguarding reports. You can have a lot of fun just walking into a school and making stuff up. I got the Governors of TNS to close it down within 5 days even though it was probably the safest special school in Scotland. That takes talent. The Queen told me that when she invited me on a dirty weekend at Balmoral. I have superpowers you know. Work undercover for MI5. Fought at Dunkirk. I have this scar from Agincourt”.

Special Award – The Scottish Government

Judging Panel Comments

“’Duofacia syndrome’ is a chronic disorder causing the sufferer to say one thing which means another and this can cause tremendous difficulties in some areas of employment. The Scottish Government through its Duofacia Strategy has promoted the employment of those with the disorder by making them ministers with considerable responsibility. We have been particularly impressed with their Duofacia Toolbox which helps victims communicate with the rest of the population and thus feel included. Their Duofacia Translator is a Godsend and should be adopted in all organisations.

Examples:

DF statement: “There were serious child protection issues at the school”

Translator: “There were no serious child protection issues at the school”

DF Statement: “The school failed to follow its child protection guidelines”

DF Translator: “The school followed its guidelines at all times”

DF Statement: “I will consider an independent investigation”

DF Translator: “For f*cks sake, that is never going to happen”

DF Statement: “The Board close the school for financial reasons”

DF Translator: “The Board closed the school because we placed a horse’s head at the end of Sir Andrew Cubie’s bed”

Bill Colley