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Swinney "not responsible for TNS closure"

John Swinney has stated that the sudden closure of TNS in November was in no way connected with his decision to impose conditions on the school or the illegal enforcement action taken by the Care Inspectorate.

Speaking in his home constituency, he said, “The Board of Governors was under no pressure at all from us and the extreme actions that we took were really just a bit of fun to jolly things along. It was just a coincidence that Witherslack announced that they were pulling-out about 30 minutes after we said we were taking action following the child protection investigation that showed no wrongdoing had taken place, and to suggest that I am responsible for screwing up the lives of 50 members of staff and 24 families is just not fair. There’s no way that I am responsible. No way Jose”

When asked why the Governors claimed that they were under intolerable pressure and that the Care Inspectorate told them that if they did not close the school, the Care Inspectorate would, My Swinney said, “It must have been a typo or something. These misunderstandings happen.”

We asked an opposition spokeman to comment on Mr Swinney’s remarks but then realised that Scotland does not have an opposition.

Other news

“Pope not a Catholic”

John Swinney has announced that after centuries of debate he has concluded that the Pope practices an eclectic mix of Polynesian voodoo, and Hindusthani goblin worship.

“We saw it with our own eyes when we visited that Vatican synagogue in Rome. No sign of any Catholic stuff but plenty of fat women on the ceiling. Obviously not following the Scottish Government’s Healthy Living Programme or doing the Daily Mile.

Make no mistake. The last thing the Pope believes in is Catholicism.”

“Bears maintain high standards of personal hygiene in forested areas”

Research conducted by the Scottish government has proved once and for all that bears do not relieve themselves when wandering around in woodland but wait instead until they can access public conveniences in tourist hotspots.

John Swinney announced the findings today and demanded that the public adopt a more understanding attitude to the bear population.

“People still believe that bears are primitive mammals which brazenly pollute our natural forests but thanks to our own research we now know that this is untrue and that they are in fact insects and make honey, and jam, and chutney and stuff like that.”

Scot Gov publishes handy guide for local authorities

The Scottish Government today published a useful ‘cut-out-and-keep’ guide entitled ‘Closing down successful special schools after an embarrassing tragedy or because you need to cut costs following our own disastrous inclusion policies’.

The brief document is designed to be attached to any kitchen appliance using a fridge magnet for Directors of Education who realise they cannot do their jobs.

The 10 step plan looks like this;

  1. Get your officers to make up false claims about the school and submit to the Registrar

  2. Wait (we will do the next bit by triggering unannounced inspections to damage the reputation of the school

  3. Tut loudly in public when we rate the school “weak for safeguarding” because there is a misplaced comma in the child protection guidelines

  4. Use your former colleagues in the Care Inspectorate to fake a child protection concern and launch an investigation

  5. Con the Board of Governors into thinking that the Head of School is guilty of genocide

  6. Wait for the Care Inspectorate to impose an illegal improvement notice on the school and the Education Minister to impose conditions

  7. Watch with amusement as the Board of Governors suspends the Head and then runs around in circles frothing at the mouth

  8. Errrr…that’s about it

  9. When the school closes, pretend that you loved the place and begged the Board to keep it open

  10. Deny everything

Bill Colley