Scottish Government urges action on climate change
The Scottish Government has today demanded a radical approach to climate change with John Swinney calling for immediate action to stop ‘see’ levels rising.
“The whole atmosphere around the closure of TNS is becoming a bit too hot, even for me, and we need more action to change people’s behaviour and stop them looking for facts and evidence and shit like that which just adds to a rise in temperatures amongst staff in the regulatory authorities.” With no sign of a let-up over the next few weeks. he advised members of his own office to, “wear loose clothing and keep everyone in the shade”.
Speaking in front of a mirror, Mr Swinney pledged that the Government would do all it could to “cool things off a bit” by refusing to sanction a carbon-burning independent inquiry into the whole fiasco which, “is sure to generate huge amounts of hot air as council officers and care inspectors try to talk their way out of responsibility for the closure of the school”.
Quoting from the latest government research, Mr Swinney went on to say that recent initiatives are already having an impact with a number of former pupils now stuck at home in their bedrooms, and thus avoiding unnecessary expenditure on jotters, travel to school, and their mental health.
However, there has also been a significant increase in ‘No’-zone levels as Freedom of Information requests are rejected or redacted, and scientists report that some species on the brink of extinction such as the honest education officer (homo despairius) may well be surviving only in small pockets across the country (usually in caravans and motorhomes because they have taken early retirement).
Mr Swinney is not without his critics, and Swedish activist NottBjorn Jesterdai, has criticised the slow approach taken by the Education Minister in releasing the build-up of steam in his consituency.
“What we are seeing at the moment is an inexorable rise in methane levels as council officers and care inspectors suffer indigestion waiting for his final decision decision on an independent inquiry. We need radical action and we need it now”, he said to cheering supporters in his home town of Guvmntkrupshon.
A goverment spokesman has defended their environmental record by quoting figures to show that whilst there are now more ‘trawlers’ fishing for information, catches are down and “Salmond’s stock is now under control”, and, “we now generating more wind in the Scottish Parliament that has ever been generated before”.
Donald Trump added his support in a series of tweets, stating that, “I love Scotland and your Guinness.” He added that climate change was, “all a hoax made up by those Chinese government officials in Tokyo”.
Chemicals found at school
Above normal levels of bile and venom have been found on the former site of TNS at Butterstone. Scientists believe that they may have originated from a four day visit by officers from Education, the Care Inspectorate and PKC towards the end of last year. The chemicals are not thought to pose any risk to the exisiting school population having wiped-out the school community 8 months ago.
A PKC official said, “Butterstone is perfectly safe for now because we are not present, but things can change quite quickly so we are monitoring the situation”.
Attainment levels up
Education minister John Swinney has congratulated his officials on their successes as the latest attainment figures have been released. There has been a significant rise in the number of innocent members of staff losing their jobs and vulnerable pupils losing educational placements, and a surge in futile complaints to the authorities.
“We don’t want to get complacent but these figures show that our policy of closing down independent special schools to reduce council expenditure is starting to kick-in. My thanks go to all those hard working inspectors who have done so much to increase human misery and make this work.”
Special praise went to the Care Inspectorate and Education Scotland for their awards in Creative Writing. Mr Swinney expressed his admiration for the way that, “their inspection reports were clearly the product of a very lively imagination” and that, “they make Witherslack report look like the Encyclopaedia Britannica in comparison”.
Mr Swinney was presenting P45s to a number of teaching and care staff at a recent ceremony close to the local job centre.
Officials deny charges of cronyism
Senior members of Education Scotland, the Care Inspectorate and Perth & Kinross Council have vehemently denied accusations that collusion between those organisations led to the forced closure of TNS.
Speaking to reporters, Care Inspectorate board member, Bernadette Malone (formerly Chief Executive of PKC) stated that she had spoken to former colleague and close friend John Fyfe, former Depute Chief Executive at PKC) who now sits on the board at Education Scotland, and Karen Reid (Chief Executive of PKC and formerly of the Care Inspectorate) and they had all agreed over their weekly lunch that there had been no conspiracy to close “that shitty little expensive school” down.
John Swinney welcomed these findings by saying, “This must be reassuring to the Scottish people. We wouldn’t want folk to think that we stitched the whole thing up”.
He then bought the final round of drinks and they departed with the investigation complete, agreeing to meet up again in a few days time to ensure that no independent inquiry ever takes place.