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Full scale of child abuse at TNS revealed

The full horror of what was happening at TNS prior to closure has been uncovered by our investigative reporter, Utthar Twaddle.

PKC Educational Psychologist Susie Trunner broke down in tears as she recounted how she had first heard that a young person at TNS had allegedly “eaten a fairy cake”.

“It is so sad that vulnerable kids are exposed to evil at such an early age and I can only think with horror about how she might try to fit into a size 10 dress if this confectionery addiction continued. She might never be able to wear Prada, Nero Giardini or Karl Lagerfeld.Her life would be ruined”.

Rodger Hill, Head of Secondary and Inclusion, explained that as soon as he had heard of this atrocity he had written to the Registrar of Independent Schools saying that such life-changing events could seriously impact on her health and well-being, and much more so than the 2 years the pupil had spent out of school as a result of local authority failings.

Under cross-examination, Mr Rodger Hull responded angrily to the child’s parent who had stated that her daughter, “felt happier at TNS than at any time before or at any time since” by claiming that, “parents do not know what is right for their children”, and that, “my team may have had no training or experience in child development or mental health but we are paying them high salaries and they will get a final salary pension, so fuck parents and their bizarre views”.

He went on to argue that after TNS and under the care of PKC the pupil concerned had been “saved from calorie abuse” and placed in a wide range of services where she had “failed consistently” and been “hospitalised on a number of occasions through serious self-harm” but had not, to his knowledge, “eaten any more fairy cakes, flap-jacks, or biscuits (“Jaffa Cakes excepted and they are not really cakes at all but are classified thus to avoid VAT regulations”). “You have to understand that Pupil X had never been forced into hospital before we got hold of her but since then she has lost a lot of weight by being aestheticized and because of our efforts, can now look back fondly on a large number of failed placements”.

Mr Hill was asked why he had not contacted the Board of Governors with his concerns but explained that, “We were desperate to maximise reputational damage to the school as per our departmental objective (42 (i)) and to distract attention from the fact that we had screwed up the lives of a number of families, so needed to pin the blame on school staff”.

Education Minister, John Swinney backed Mr Hill by saying that, “It is far better for kids to be kept at home alone in their bedrooms or in secure accommodation costing taxpayers £300,000 per year than for them to be exposed to fairy cakes in school settings and Mr Hill was quite right to alert the Registrar so that I could order an unannounced inspection and close the school down to stop abuse of this nature taking place”.

In response to a question about how pupils with additional support needs in PKC appeared to have very poor outcomes and that they suffered poor mental health and an increased risk of suicide because of low quality care from education and social care officers, he stated that, “If a kid commits suicide because of decisions that the local authority have made, the important thing to look at is their BMI.  If they were thin, then it will look better on government records, so the key national priority just now is to ensure that all pupil suicides involve skinny brats. No tubsters permitted”.

TNS staff were reluctant to respond to questions from the press but did confirm that a thorough examination of this particular case would shed a lot of light on PKC and that they hoped an independent investigation would, “for the first time examine the utter drivel that Ms Trunner and her team of Educational Psychopaths had made in their January 2018 complaint”.

The Green Party has demanded an outright ban on fairy cakes arguing that, “ whilst we may not have a clue what we are talking about and have no evidence base to support anything we are saying, it is important to consider the environmental impact of fairy cakes on rising sea levels, the deforestation of the Amazon, and ozone levels”.

Giving evidence to the panel, the girl in question stated, “I just wanted a fairy cake.  They had been made in a Home Economics class and other pupils were free to eat them.  I did not want to be thrown out of the school or for the school to be closed down because of this but that is what happened”.

As a result of the fairy cake transgression, 24 pupils lost their places at the school and 50 members of staff their jobs.

“At least they are now safe from fairy cakes because they are not going to school and have no friends” said local MSP John Swinney. “The evil has come to a halt. This must never happen again”.

The facts underlying this case are true. TNS was reported to the Registrar by PKC because a pupil ate a fairy cake.

Bill Colley